Other People's Mail

A co-worker received this from her Portland, Oregon-residing mother-in-law, and shared it with me. After she admitted that most of it went over her head, she could only watch as I laughed my head off at it. My comments are added in italics

You might be from the Northwest if you:

• Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
• Use the expression "sun break" and know what it means.
• Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
• Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
  (Obviously the author never lived through a Medford summer with 115° temperatures.)
• Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
• Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
• Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.
• Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee, and Veneto's.
  (Haven't heard of Veneto's.)
• Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
• Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and Willamette.
  (skwim, pyoo-A-lup with the A of AT, IH-suh-kwah, OAR-uh-gun, wi-LAM-et)
• Consider swimming an indoor sport.
• Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
  (A recent development; Asian food was less common when I lived there.)
• In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, while only working eight-hour days.
• Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
• Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
• You can't wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks."
• Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
  (Oh, do I miss those days.)
• Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
  (Used to drive through it on the way to/from camp.)
• Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover.
• Say, "the mountain is out," when it's a pretty day and you can actually see it.
• Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
• Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.
• Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
• Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
• Knew immediately that the view out Frasier's window was fake.
  (You can't see downtown and the base of the Space Needle at the same time with that angle unless you're buried in a hillside.)
• Buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.

You know you live in Oregon when:

• Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
• "Vacation" means going to Portland for the weekend.
• You measure distance in hours.
  (I still do this.)
• You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
• You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
• You use a down comforter in the summer.
  (Not me.)
• Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 2 feet of water during a raging rainstorm without flinching.
  (It doesn't say you won't flinch when they're driving, though.)
• You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
• You think of the major food groups as elk meat, beer, fish, and berries.
  (First two, no; second two, yes.)
• You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
  (Not in our household.)
• There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the BiMart store at any given time.
  (BiMart == WalMart on a Scotty's scale — and I don't get this one.)
• You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
• Driving is better in the winter because almost everybody stays home.
• You know all the important seasons: Almost winter, Winter, Still raining, Road construction, Deer season, and Elk season.
• It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.