"Dance Like Nobody's Watching"

(Sorry for the sporadic content; I'm taking all week off from work in an at-home vacation.)

I can't find it now, but I'm reasonably sure I once wrote about how, even as the consummate introvert, I am often the first on the dance floor, dragging my understandably reticent friends along behind. This was evidenced twice again over the weekend — first, in being the first couple on the floor at Mannequins on Friday (nevermind being the only gay couple in the bar — way to scare the tourists). And again, on Sunday afternoon, as usual, at the 'Moon.

I actually hit the realization about "why" the week before, while talking with Brian C. Getting all philosophical at the bar, I said, "You know what? I'm 31 years old. I don't need to impress anyone here. In fact, I don't give a damn what any of these people think. Now let's go dance." Or something like that. Anyway, shortly after, the DJ played a song by Deborah Cox, Absolutely Not, which features the following lyrics:

Always waitin' for someone
To make me happy, pick me up
I realize that someone is me

and:

Do I measure me by what you think?
Absolutely not, absolutely not

and:

Now I see, life means more to me
More than fancy clothes
More than you'll ever know
All the ugly words that I heard you say
Made me stronger everyday
Now I live my life for me

The moment was perfect.

Now, I wish I could claim that I have somehow arrived, or am self-actuated or something like that. If it were true, I proabably wouldn't still buy new clothes anywhere new as often as I do — so somewhere, I do give a damn, I guess. After a couple of years of pretty unfulfiling work, though, and times when it didn't seem like I could do anything right in my job, I've finally overloaded on needing lots of validation externally. Now, I just have to plug along and do what's enjoyable, and hope for the best.