Progresive Desensitization?

The first time I saw panels from the AIDS Memorial Quilt was in winter 1993-1994. My first boyfriend, Marc, took me. I had been "out" for roughly a year, and I remember walking among the panels and feeling a profound, deep sadness. This was what I'd gotten myself into? Fortunately, Marc (6-foot-6 and a big bear of a man) excelled at consoling and comforting me.

The second time I saw the quilt was in 2000, when panels were hosted at Disney. I volunteered to staff the event for a short period. I was still sad, but nowhere near so. What grabbed me most were the panels devoted to children, the two dedicated to Disney Cast Members, and the many that had Disney Characters on them — classic "testament to the power of our product" stuff. At the same time, I found myself wondering what would be on my panel if such a thing were necessary — what would I be remembered for?

Today was my third viewing. Again, it was at Disney, probably twice the number we'd had two years ago. And yet, I found myself looking at the panels and noticing how few were dated after 1997. There may have been one or two, of the 160 quilt sections I saw. Part of me was disturbed that I wasn't more sad, and yet part of me was actually hopeful that the dearth of new panels meant somehow that the disease was slowing down, and was not a mere concidence.

One panel in particular grabbed me. The panel was made of a denim-blue cloth, with a simple white T-shirt attached. The shirt had been written on in black marker, and had a couple of photos. Next to it, though, was a short description of the panel's origin. Apparently, a Quilt volunteer had found the shirt on the ground during the last display in Washington, D.C. After reviewing the list of known panels, it was discovered that the shirt was new — it hadn't merely fallen off an existing panel. So this volunteer took it on herself to complete the panel, and attach a Quilt Project business card, imploring the creator of the shirt to contact them. I have to wonder: why? Why did the person just leave the shirt? Did they feel they couldn't afford to make a panel? Were they afraid to be "caught" recognizing a friend / relative / partner who had died of AIDS?