Gag Me With A Vision Statement

I enjoy listening to Public Radio on the way home from work. The NPR News coverage, "All Things Considered," is intelligent and fun to listen to. The only thing I don't like, though, are some of the advertisers, who seem to find it necessary to make their ads sound very lofty, presumably to cater to the intelligentsia who are supposedly listening. There's the one for the business real-estate firm (I can't remember their name) who "would like you to remind you that you're only probably going to sell one business in your lifetime, and if you don't do it right, you won't get a second chance."

Even worse: SunTrust. "SunTrust listens to its customers' needs, then responds with creative solutions, employing a wide range of financial services. SunTrust. Where listening and responding means unexpected service." (Excuse me while I go throw up.)

Hey, SunTrust, how about free checking accounts? That's why you lost me as a customer 8 years ago. In fact, as I recall, the exchange with your clerk when I closed my account went something like this:

Clerk: <snotty tone>What, are you moving your money to [my company's Credit Union]?</snotty tone>
Me: Actually, yes.
Clerk: <haughty tone>You know they can't provide you with half the services we can.</haughty tone>
Me: No, but I can't afford any of the services you offer, so what's the difference?
Clerk: ...

You get the picture.